White Horse // Taylor Swift

Have you ever been in one of those relationships where the one you love completely crushes your heart into little, tiny, seemingly non-existent pieces then turns back around with open arms? That's what I feel like I've had to deal with the past three years. Three years ago on January 27, 2006, I was nervously getting ready for my first school dance. My date's name was Eric, and we had been talking for a few months after meeting on an online game called 'Gunbound'. It was Winterformal, I was a sophomore, and sneaking out without the parent's knowledge. Everything was planned out, the excuses, the place I was sleeping, and how I would get home the next day. He picked me up, and as the night progressed we really enjoyed each other's company(getting lost trying to get to Knot's was an interesting way to start the night and a fun reflection(: ). Anyway, we totally hit it off, and he started coming to pick me up on weekends and take me out to the movies. Everything was great and we really ... well.. loved each other. June rolled around, and he told me he had decided to join the Marine Corps. I asked him if he knew what he was getting into and he said he did. He wanted the discipline that the military could offer, and the Marines were the best of the best and he wouldn't settle for less. He left that June for boot camp. I was nervous for him, and a bit teary on our last phone call, but... it was what he wanted. I needed to support him. I received my first letter from him and tore it open eagerly, devouring the words with my eyes. He apologized for the decision he had made and any other problems that could arise from him being in boot camp. He also wrote about how he had not known that the free time wasn't much and that he didn't have much time to write me long letters. I wrote him whenever I could - in the hotel room in Hawaii, the middle of the night in bed, and even during class. 13 weeks later, his graduation rolled around. Not like I was able to attend anyway... Anyways, when I saw him again I didn't even recognize him. He was so much darker, and was quite muscular - but not too much - just the way I liked it. I remember it felt really good to hug him again and I nearly broke down thinking about how much I missed him while he was gone. As the months progressed, he was sent to Missouri for his MOS school. He would call telling me about how cold it was and how he was planning on coming home for Christmas. Fretting for an idea of what to get him my neighbor, Leslie (you'll hear a lot of her from me(: ), suggested that I should crochet him a blanket. Which I did. I also met his parents that winter... that was a bit scary. His dad sat me down and lectured me about my studies should be more important and that if I did well enough, maybe his son would want to pursue a college education at a high name college instead of some Cal State. Oh, his parents were visiting from Taiwan, by the way. Anyway, it was about a year he was in the Marine Corps that he started hating his job. Actually, that was when a lot of problems started. He hated his job, he wanted to get out, and our relationship started getting rocky. We would fight, not talk to each other for days, for weeks at a time, then slowly mend back together. It's a long story, him and I, but I guess a bit bittersweet. November 21, 2008. It ended with a phone call. Him drunk and yelling at me, me crying and screaming back. Text messages were sent, and tears were cried. It had been bad since June when I confessed what happened to me. We would constantly get into fights, he broke up with me but decided he wanted to give me a second chance. But it was finally, really, officially over November 21st. He showed up at my house Thanksgiving night, saying he was "in the area and decided to stop by just to see how you were doing." His brother was in the car with him and he had borrowed the car from another Marine that had gone camping that week. (Eric's car has been in the shop for over a year by then.) That meeting didn't end well. His brother was trying to help regain peace between us, and I was just left in tears. I sat on the curb, long after they drove away, crying and being angry at him for not understanding. The reason he broke up with me was because... well, I had lied to him. I had lied to him to protect him. I didn't want him running off and beating the shit outta someone that had done me a wrong. Whatever. Point is, it's over now. But he keeps coming back. He keeps bringing up the subject that still hurts so much. I hadn't asked for it. I was asleep for goodness sakes! I didn't know what was going on.

He walked away. He didn't trust me anymore. It was hard on me. Losing my first love after all we'd been though. He told me to just get over him, and he did whatever he did to get over me. Drink, and smoke. But as time progressed, he would call me, drunk, and tell me he still loved me. That he wanted to work things out, but come the next day, nothing. Ever hear the song 'Last Call' by Lee Ann Womack? That's exactly my life now. "I don't need to check that message. I know what it says. "Baby I still love you," don't mean nothing when there's whiskey on your breath. It's the only love I get." *Sigh* I still love him, I admit, but I do believe I am now over him - not in love with him. I think about him from time to time, but I've got it better now.

The title of this post, White Horse // Taylor Swift, is how it's turning out. He broke my heart, and now I realize that I'm not his princess.

"And there you are on your knees.
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me.
Just like I always wanted but, I'm so sorry.

Cause I'm not your princess.
This ain't a fairytale.
I'm gonna find someone some day, who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world.
That was a small town, there in my rear view mirror disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your white horse...
Its too late for you and your white horse to catch me now."

I'm done pretending every thing's okay. I'm done with being the only one hurt. I'm done with letting him walk all over me the way he did. I'm done with the mental, physical, and emotional abuse. I'm SICK of it and we all know I deserve better. He knows it too - we ALL do.

And now, how am I doing since you did what you done to me? Boy, I honestly can't lie, I sometimes cry when I think of how it used to be. But I keep my friends with me, and I stay busy, and maybe I don't get any sleep, but I've found someone now. Someone who makes me happy. Someone who loves me more than I ever thought he could. He LOVES me. And you know who he is? That same Marine that let Eric borrow his car. He's sweet, funny, adorable, and you know what? ALL MY FRIENDS LIKE HIM. Eric, if you ever find this blog and read it (which you most likely will sooner or later), my friends NEVER liked you. Yeah, and I never liked your friends either. All your buddies that I met at the Marine Corps Ball? The first group of people you sat with were okay, but the group you left them for after? You fucking prick. Everything was always about you, never me. But you've helped me realize things, taught me things, and made me stronger. You helped me realize just how much shit I can go through - and willing to go through for someone I love. You've taught me that I'm the 'Stronger Woman' (think Jewel) and capable of overcoming a lot of shit. And through all the pain you've put me through, you've made me stronger. Even after all that shit you put me through, thank you. And you know what? I"m sure you're leaving here a 'Better Man' (Clint Black) because of me. I know you miss me, and look back and wish you had treated me right. Boy, I promise you you always will. You lost me. You pushed me away, and now you want me back. But it's too late, baby. I'm long gone. I may love you, but I deserve better.

I'm proud to say I've walked away and learned to love again. Maybe a little too soon, but I guess we'll see where this goes. I'm still hurting from my first relationship and he's hurting a bit from his previous relationship, but we're going good. We work out our arguments almost immediately and he's taught me things too(: Actually, he completely SPOILS me! And I can't say this is going to be good for me. He's ruining me for all other men, and setting my standards high once again. I've sworn up and down that I wasn't going to settle for less anymore. I'm going to get what I want, and what I deserve. And that's what he is. It's been going great since date one, and we've officially got together December 19th. I've been happier than I thought I could be. Anyway, that's just it for tonight. It was nice letting it out a bit. *Happy sigh* I think I just might do this more often(:

Goodnight, world.

Oh, and one last note. 'Every time I hear your name', Eric... well, look up the song(:

Congrats if you read this far, btw. Lol.