What Might Have Been // Little Texas

So, I've been feeling pretty down lately. It might be the weather, but I highly doubt that.

I know I haven’t posted in a while but… haha, I guess nothing incredibly important has been happening.

So, what encouraged me to make this post is because … I think it’s time. It’s time for me to let it all go. I need to make the first step and let it all go.

Rascal Flatts came out with a new CD titled ‘Unstoppable.’ I’m a HUGEE RF fan and I was reading up on the lyrics to a few songs when I came across the song titled, ‘Close’. To summarize, it’s a song about a female who keeps saying it’s time to let go, but just can’t:

It's from a year ago.
“Baby, I love you
And I can't wait to see you tonight
I've been thinking about you
All day long.”
She pushes nine to save.

I read it once. I read it twice. I felt bad for the woman in the song.. and then it hit me. That woman in the song, is me. Now to see the person as myself I thought, “Wow, just how much more pathetic can I get?” I’m not the type to be in that sort of situation. Not the type to EVER be in that situation, but sittin’ there reading those lyrics.. they had ‘Sarah’ written all over them. It bugged me - incredibly.

It wasn’t then I decided to let go. No, I wish I had. I had a bit of a miserable morning today when I woke up, all though work, and up until I got home. I sat on my bed, craved some hot chocolate went to the kitchen and made myself some tea. I walked around the house a bit, sipping my tea and looking out the windows at the grey, cloudy sky and thought about what reason I would have to feel depressed. Upon returning to my room and turning my laptop on, my ex’s AIM status caught my eye, “raina<3”.

Now Raina is mentioned in at least one of my previous posts. I gave Eric (the ex) a lot of crap about how she was trying to hook up with him. He would call her behind my back to just “make sure she’s okay”. He claimed she was suicidal and had drug abuse problems. Blah blah blah, whatever. After awhile, I just got sick of it and gave up. I mean, it always hurt whenever I saw her number on his call logs and how he’d lie to me saying she called him first when it was obviously the other way around. Now when I think of him and Raina now, the song ‘Do You Believe Me Now’ by Jimmy Wayne comes to mind:

Do you remember the day I turned to you and said,
“I didn't like the way he was lookin' at you”?
Yeah?
How he made you laugh?
You just couldn't get what I was sayin'.
It was my imagination

So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about .
Every time the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you, baby.
Yeah, and me? I'm missin' you way 'cross town.
So do you believe me now?


Anyway, the thought occurred to me, “Why am I doing this to myself?” Why do I keep putting myself though so much pain? Through these bittersweet memories of my past and first love? He never treated me like he should’ve and as much as I’d like to burn him here on my blog, I’m not.

I made my decision. I’m going to drop him, and move on. I’m going to be the bigger, better person by not responding to his messages, his calls, or his AIM statuses. I know it sounds silly, but he would always post something on his AIM status that would be a smart comment shootin’ at me. And… visa versa. I’m done with all of that. I’m moving on. I’m doing it for us. But most importantly, I’m doing it for me.

I talked to Susey. I talked to Amador. I’ve talked to Leslie. They all said what I’ve told myself a trillion countless times. Nick deserves better. Nick deserves everything that I can offer to give him. Everything I’ve given him so far can only be counted as half assed because of how I still had some sort of an emotional connection to Eric. Well, of course things didn’t start off that way. I was over Eric, until he came back and reawakened some of the thoughts and feelings that I had about him before things started going downhill.

Anyway, like I was saying. Nick does deserve better. He knew I wasn’t over Eric. It hurt him, but he understood that I needed more time, more space. I know it isn’t good for our relationship, and I know it’s stupid but… that’s how things were.

I know you’re probably thinking, “This girl is an IDIOT.” I agree. I never said I wasn’t. I’m all sorts of retarded, yes, I know. Thank you for thinking so as well. I know I never should’ve gotten involved in another relationship while still being so emotionally attached to someone else. I know that no matter what excuse I come up for it, that’s all it’ll be – just an excuse and nothing more. But please try and understand, we didn’t start this way. (Successful attempt to justify? I don’t think so! Right…?)

In any case, like I’ve stated earlier. It’s time for me to move on. I’m letting go.

What Might Have Been, sung by Little Texas, is a song that popped into my head a few nights ago. I put on my status, “Baby, ‘What Hurts the Most’ is ‘What Might Have Been’.” Eric of course, read this and put up his own little status shooting back at me. I don’t remember it now, and I’m not going to bother going through to look for it. The part that clung to me the most is the beginning with the chorus:

Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time
I've got a good life now, and I've moved on
So when you cross my mind...

I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads.
We can't go back again,
There's no use givin’ in,
And there’s no way to know,
What might have been.

A beautiful, bittersweet melody that can bring all the fond memories of someone you once loved, or still love, who left or you walked away from.

It’s true. I do try not to think about what might have been. But you can’t help it. It’s just such a tempting thought. But I know that if what happened never happened, I’d still be stuck in that abusive relationship and not be as smart as I am now.

I’ve deleted his AIM contacts and his phone number, and I’m working on deleting anything else that electronically binds him to me. Maybe I’ll even get a new number. It’s time I move on. It’s better late than never.

So, I leave you with this. I want to go back to living my life now. I can’t put my life on hold just for you, Eric. We had a good run and by all means let's not forget it. It was a love for the storybooks. You and I wrote it incredibly well.

I’m moving on, baby. I’m moving on…

I love Rascal Flatts… This was one of the first songs that caused me to fall in love with this band:


I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons.
Finally content with a past I regret.
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness.
For once, I'm at peace with myself.
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long.
I'm movin' on.

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces.
Each one is different but they're always the same.
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it -
They'll never allow me to change.
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on.

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me.
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone.
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on.
_I’m Moving On // Rascal Flatts

I’m moving on before I lose one of the best people that I’ve ever met. He deserves better. I want to BE that better.

There was a quote that always stuck with me. I think it’s the reason why I tried so hard with Eric. “Behind every strong man is a stronger woman.” I want to be that stronger woman behind the strong man. This is my chance. And I’m taking it.

Goodbye, baby. For the last time.