Regret.

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." - Harriet Beecher Stowe

A lot has happened in my life since the last time I posted. Well, maybe to you it may not seem like much but to me I feel as if a lifetime happened.

I've come to realize that I don't take the deaths of others easily. Well, death for anyone to deal with is pretty tough so I guess I shouldn't feel too behind.

November 21, 2009.
I was sitting at the kitchen table having dinner with my parents and more or less just picking at my food because I had lost my appetite. I was off in my own world, thinking of the projects I had to get finished and the papers I had to write. I thought I was drowning, but of course, life has a funny way of hitting you with something harder making you realize that what you thought was a mountain, was smaller than a grain of sand. It was my uncle. And he was dying. He had been having health problems over the past two years (that I was never informed about, nor did he show that anything might be wrong) and his kidneys were starting to fail. I asked if he had been put on a transplant list, my father simply, "He's too old." Okay, well, there should be matches within the family right? My father looked at me and simply said, "The doctors are saying it's too risky to attempt surgery. He might not make it." Silence settled over the table as I realized what my father was trying to say to me, oh so gently. I felt my eyes begin to burn. I excused myself from the table with the excuse of needing to use the restroom. I went into my room, locked the door, and cried.

About five to ten minutes later, I was called out and forced to finish my dinner.

That night, I cried myself to sleep.


November 22, 2009. - The day after.
We went to church, and I was sure to keep this day unplanned because I knew we'd be visiting my uncle. He was leaving us his truck, he knew how much I loved trucks when I was little. I tried to smile but it was just so hard. I couldn't bear to look at him lying there in that bed. I avoided eye contact with anyone. Instead, I attempted to make small talk with his son, my cousin Steve. I hadn't spoken to him since .. well, forever. He's 39 now. Time flies...

Thanksgiving.
It was alright. Not the usual huge crowd. Nick and Andy got along fairly well(: That's good. I've always tried to keep that boy company, i'm glad the two of them hit it off so well while I was finishing plate after plate of food. Hahaha(:

Days passed and things only got worse for my uncle. It was cancer. His doctor hadn't even considered cancer; never bothered to test. We found out it was cancer when he had slipped into a coma and taken to a bigger hospital. I called hospitals in the area trying to find where he was. Thanks to Nick, I found the one he was admitted to at the first call I made with the list he gave me. It had progressed so much that his whole body was just riddled with cancer.

There were moments when I'd sit in my room and cry. I'd try to talk to friends about the oncoming death but... I'd stop myself. Every time.

December 11, 2009 - 10PM
My phone had been dead for the past few hours and I'd been spending my nights with Leslie. I was emotionally unstable at the time and it never hurts having a friend around. I knew something was different. I started growing restless. Something just didn't feel right. I figured it was just nerves for the upcoming finals week, but something just told me it wasn't. I got home around 2AM that night. And the first two texts I received were from my mother and sister. My mother put it simply: "He died."

I dropped my phone. The wave of emotion that came over me was ... astounding. I stumbled to my bathroom, stifling my sobs so I wouldn't wake my parents down the hall. I nearly choked on my toothpaste and my Listerine.

I retreated back into my room. I called Nick a few times, but there was no answer. I was so angry. So heartbroken. So mad. I don't remember falling asleep but I woke up to a salty, tear stained pillow.

That and a text. I vaguely recalled texting my cousin about how sorry I was about his father's death and if there was anything I could ever do for him that he could call me whenever. A fifty minute drive is nothing compared to the usual hour and a half drive to Camp Pendleton. His text said, "Hey Sarah, my dad is at peace. He is at a much better place now. I sensed him smiling when he died. That probably sounds weird. Your parents were a great comfort."

I read his text, cried some more, then fell back asleep. I would wake up again for minutes at a time only to realize what had happened, cry, and fall back asleep. I didn't plan on leaving my room, or for that matter my bed, at all that day.

Then it hit me. He wouldn't want me to be sad. Nor should I be sad. This is what I had prayed for. He was in so much pain, and now, he was free from it. It was selfish of me to have asked God to keep him on this earth a little longer. I always knew that, but I still wanted him here with us...

I dried off my tears, blew my nose, and went to the bathroom to wash my face. I went to the living room and spent the rest of my day entertaining my cousins.

My uncle was amazing. I'm sure a lot of you think that of your own uncles but I'm hoping you'd understand how I feel about mine. He truly was incredible. He hunted, fished, and worked construction before being blacklisted by the government (one of his workers accidently caused an electrical fire and caused a whole Navy base to burn down, haha - err.. I mean.. ha..?)

This was a man who survived a 150 foot fall off a mountain in his truck. The only thing that saved him were the metal racks that extened the length of the truck, above the truck. They acted as roll bars and he hiked the mountain back to the street where luckily, a ranger was passing by and sped him to the hospital. I can't remember what he broke...

This was a man who would hunt large animals. His house was littered with the skins of animals he'd hunted. I still remember when he brought us a bear rug. He'd shot it and skinned it himself. Scared the living hell outta me....

I can't believe I never took the step of wanting to get to know him more. When I was younger, him and my aunt would talk about getting me a horse to keep in their backyard. They thought it would get me to want to visit them more, haha. Which would totally be true! Their yard is the perfect size for a horse or two(: He would take us fishing and him and my dad would talk about taking me along with them down south for a weekend fishing trip. He laughed at me when I struggled to pull back the string on his hunting bow because he knew I wouldn't be able to. He used to talk about taking my father and I hunting with him some time... So many memories...

Yesterday, I broke down just thinking of him. I mean, it's been a few weeks, I thought i'd gotten most of my tears out by the second week. I'll always remember him though. And I hope that when I finally get the nerves to drive that huge truck without breaking down, I hope I drive it to make him proud. There's nothing like a huge silverado 4x4 with manual tranny to make a girl happy(:

I've just realized the time so i'll have to cut this post short. I know what you're thinking. This is already like, eighteen pages! But there is this one special person I'd like to write about too. Josh Wright. Because I won't be able to write about him until tomorrow, here's an article about him that I truly adore. We need more heroes like him. Click here for the article.

Early day tomorrow. Gotta hit the stables by 0600 and take Rosie out for a ride.

Thanks for reading, I guess. Haha(:

God bless the souls of my dearest uncle, and a good friend.
Rest in peace, uncle. <3>